I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
