Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
