i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
