How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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