The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
