dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
