If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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