His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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