hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
