Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
the raccoons are back...
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