I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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