I've blown a few things in my day
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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