my phone needs a breathalizer
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
