Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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