You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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