i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
