and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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