nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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