Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
