So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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