Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
