I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
