i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
