And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
