it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
