Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
