You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
