You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
