I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
