I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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