My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
