apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
