at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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