no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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