He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
