Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
