Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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