i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
