listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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