Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
