Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
