You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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