i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
