No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
