just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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