I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
