My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
