Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
