Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
