Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
