If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
