I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
