Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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