I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
