my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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