I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
my liver is dry heaving
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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